February 17... It Begins!

Today was my doctor's appointment, after which I said I would update people on my status... so here we go.  I start my Lupron injections on February 17!  I don't know a whole lot after that, but after the past year, the side effects don't seem very bad to me and for what would help my body, the effects may actually end up being positive.  

(no idea if that is what my actual label will look like)

For 2-3 weeks after the initial shot there may be a flare-up of pain.  My doctor explained exactly why to me in scientific terms and it made total sense, but I can't remember exactly what she said.  It had something to do with stimulating a certain hormone when it starts and then eventually it actually prevents that hormone from firing (?).  I always like when she explains things and yet for some of the more advanced biology answers I do not always remember everything.  For what concerns me, there could be an initial flare-up in pain.

Also, Lupron is not a quick fix, although we both are hopeful that it will be a fix.  For one, I learned that the hormones in my system from the Depo shots that I have been getting can last up to a year in the body, especially since I have been getting the shots more often than the "standard" dosage.  The good news is that since I have been getting them regularly, my estrogen levels are lower than a normal person so the shift to even lower levels will not be as drastic.  (I believe she said also that right now I have high progesterone levels, but those will decrease with the Lupron).  

(Estrogen and Progesterone levels in a normal, ovulating female - Not me, but just for reference)

Three weeks after I get my first injection, I see the doctor again and she will decide if I need any hormone replacement therapy to supplement the Lupron and get a grasp of my symptoms/side effects, etc.  The actual Lupron injections are every three (3) months.  The side-effects are most closely related to Menopause, but some people have a problem sleeping at all, which I had not known.  Hot flashes are common, and other than that, we will just see what happens.  I will not be adjusting other medications for a while after the Lupron starts and while the initial flare-up pain won't last, overall pain may not decrease for three months.  Even at that time, if I'm feeling better, I will likely still continue to feel better for while and then eventually things will even out and we can assess how I am.  

(Basically, this could be me... without the pained expression... There are totally worse things!)

I still feel really good about doing this.  It's a little frustrating that because my body is being flooded with hormones and they don't just change overnight (think of pregnancy hormones and how they decrease gradually after giving birth), it will take some time to see how I will finally feel.  Now that I've said that though, I'm not going to worry or think about it because that's the thing I cannot change.  I'm making a big change and I feel calm and even a little excited to try this and hopeful that it will work.  And while it won't be overnight, I'll still feel better slowly, which sounds great AND I will not be dealing with all the side effects of the Depo shot anymore! (Hallelujah!!)  That part I am super excited about!  Also, I should be able to exercise more regularly and be able to do more and more activities as the time passes... which is my ultimate goal: to be able to do everything I used to be able to do.  I don't know if that's going to be the final outcome, but until proven otherwise, it continues to be my goal.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is all I know right now!  I look ahead at 2015 with much more excitement than past years and I'm still hopeful that this will be a really good thing for me!

Good News/ Bad News

I wanted to update after my last post that I am officially approved to begin the Lupron whenever my doctor tells me I'm ready and my insurance is officially paying for it, so everything is a GO!  I see my doctor on Wednesday and I am sure I will find out a lot then about when I may begin using the Lupron and any other adjustments I'll need to make.  My approval went through in less than two weeks which, after hearing my doctor tell me it often takes about a month AND it was during the holiday season, must mean that it went through very quickly so Yay!  That is a huge deal for me!  Although I've had two surgeries and surgery must be done first before you can take this drug, so I guess I met the requirements without any questions.

Good News/Bad News:

- The Good News is that almost immediately upon leaving my doctor's office, I felt calm inside.  I knew this was the right thing for me at this time so the next thing on my list was staying in control and keeping my stress level down so I can be prepared for whatever may or may not happen when I begin the Lupron. I felt better than I had been feeling for about a month and then I was still feeling fine, but I had lost a lot of sleep while I was transitioning from one antidepressant to another, so that did hit me eventually.  [I also learned that my cousin is expecting her first baby, so that is just amazingly great news and I am so excited for that and to meet my first little grand-cousin (I know that is incorrect but when I get to second/third/removed/etc. I mostly do not pay attention).  She is my first cousin to be pregnant, so it's very cool for her and her hubby.  She's also been very supportive of me and it would feel nice to be able to be supportive of her back!]  I did get to visit with a great friend (who lives way too far away) and her adorable baby and family over the holidays and that totally lifts my spirits as well!

- So the good news was that I feel prepared for pretty much all outcomes and I am still hopeful.  The Bad News is that my grandmother's health is deteriorating, though I hope she stays healthy long enough to meet her first great-grandchild.  Along with her bad health, a member of my extended family has chosen this time to be as icky as I can imagine.  I won't go into specifics, but it is frustrating because it is unnecessary and ruins my calmness.  I can choose my friends, my acquaintances, my doctor... but I don't get to choose my family.  Since becoming sick, I've tightened my circle of close friends and I don't go into specifics with mere acquaintances, but I do not have any energy to give to toxic relationships so I choose not to have anyone in my life who is negative.  More importantly, I do not have negative thoughts about those people!  Recently, however, I realize I have spent way too much time harboring negative feelings about a particular family member and I have to choose to not be around her as well because this is the most important time for me to be stress-free.  Lupron is the drug that scared me for a long time but I was in a great place and feeling very good about taking it, and feeling ready!  Today I realized I've been not sleeping as well and feeling stressed about the repercussions of one person's actions within my extended family and it occurred to me that I need to be selfish for this moment in my life, until I find out how my body adapts to this new drug and I don't have room for negativity at all.  I'm actually writing about in the hope that I can be done thinking about it, so we shall see how that works.

I have not quite figured out how to stay completely out of this person's orbit, but I may just have to do what I've learned: Decide if an event or visit or discussion is going to make me feel worse than I feel before attending that event or seeing that person, and if so, then I just won't do it.  If I think that I will come out feeling even better than when I went in, then I do it.  It relates to the Spoon Theory Article, but it's my own way of counting spoons.  I look at everything this way right now and somehow I need to get myself doing that again, even if it involves family.  It is simply about pluses and minuses and it is how my brain works.  It always yields the healthiest outcomes for me without allowing myself to dwell on being bummed about missing out on something.  And I am writing this to hold myself accountable for doing this and to not allow myself any negativity from right now until I can comfortably say how the Lupron is working and will continue to work.  And you are all welcome to hold me accountable to staying centered (calm in my own way) and positive!


- I will update after my doctor's appointment on Wednesday.

*If anyone reads this and has used Lupron, I would LOVE to hear what your experience was and if you email me from this page, I will get back to you!

Hope

I know that I have not posted much (or at all) lately.  Sometimes when things are bad physically and emotionally, I just can't bring myself to do anything other than get through one day at a time.  My mother had a bad reaction to her chemo drugs and it was scary for a while.  I was the one with her primarily and trying to keep my emotions in check, keep my pain in check, and do what I could for her was everything I was able to do.  So the blog was not something I was thinking about.  I felt bad emotionally throughout chemo and wanting to be able to do everything I used to do so that I could help my mom through.  I can say I wasn't able to do what I used to do but I did do the very most I was capable of doing.  Emotionally, I think that seeing anyone you love go through that treatment is jut going to be extremely difficult.  I also thought about how hard it must have been for my mom when I was in SOO much pain before surgery and there was nothing she could do to help.  I get that it must have been frustrating and saddening.  I feel pain now but it's a different level.  I am taking fewer medications for pain, so no matter how bad I think I feel on a given day, it is not as bad as it was pre-surgery or else I would still be needing the three other prescriptions to deal with pain.  Mom has started her radiation now though and the difference in her is remarkable!  She is not even recognizable as the same person who had to be hospitalized a month or so ago.  And already her hair is beginning to grow back.  Yay!!

My Hierarchy of Pain Needs

I mentioned yesterday that I had finally broken down and bought some supportive bras for non-gym use.  (I already have heavy duty sports bras that are great for the gym).  I was nervous that I would have to not only increase my cup size, but my band size as well and that would hurt my self-image.  Well, I have been a 36 for as long as I can remember and I am now comfortably a 36/38 while still being a DDD cup.  While I could do without the extra letters on that cup size, I feel good fitting into my own size clothes again.  (Although I cannot wear my medium t-shirts because there is no way they are fitting over my chest).  I felt good enough to actually buy a couple shirts (on sale!) that help me feel like my old self.  I would like to be a little more toned still, but it was really a good feeling to be in normal clothes even while I'm still getting my hormone shot because that is supposed to cause major weight gain.  

Memorial Day

I feel like Memorial Day is a good time to pause and NOT write about myself.  No matter how I feel today, it is better than anyone who lost his or her life in the midst of war.  This holiday was originally recognized in the United States to remember the fallen soldiers of the Civil War.  It was also originally called Decoration Day as it became tradition to put flowers (traditionally poppies) on the graves of fallen soldiers.  After World War I, other fallen soldiers were included as well, and Memorial Day is a recognized Federal Holiday.  Flags are lowered to half-staff until Noon to remember the fallen soldiers and then raised to full-staff by the living to remember to fight for liberty and justice.  I actually just read today that for a few years now, there is a nationally recognized moment of silence at 3pm today, though I don't know what time zone.  Probably Eastern Standard Time since that is where the Capital is?

5/18/14

Today was alright, I guess.  A couple relatives came to visit with my Mom and helped, brought food, etc.  That is always appreciated.  So emotionally, it was good to see family and get hugs (and a pillowcase!) and chat and thank them for helping out.  Other than that though, I have not been feeling great today.  Of course, my analytical brain always wants a reason for when I feel different so I search for something that may have triggered me feeling a little worse, like overdoing something, pushing myself too far, stuff like that.  I have begun to wonder if analyzing and looking for a reason is healthy, or if, like the nature of endometriosis, I am looking for causes where the causes are all unknown.