Hope

I know that I have not posted much (or at all) lately.  Sometimes when things are bad physically and emotionally, I just can't bring myself to do anything other than get through one day at a time.  My mother had a bad reaction to her chemo drugs and it was scary for a while.  I was the one with her primarily and trying to keep my emotions in check, keep my pain in check, and do what I could for her was everything I was able to do.  So the blog was not something I was thinking about.  I felt bad emotionally throughout chemo and wanting to be able to do everything I used to do so that I could help my mom through.  I can say I wasn't able to do what I used to do but I did do the very most I was capable of doing.  Emotionally, I think that seeing anyone you love go through that treatment is jut going to be extremely difficult.  I also thought about how hard it must have been for my mom when I was in SOO much pain before surgery and there was nothing she could do to help.  I get that it must have been frustrating and saddening.  I feel pain now but it's a different level.  I am taking fewer medications for pain, so no matter how bad I think I feel on a given day, it is not as bad as it was pre-surgery or else I would still be needing the three other prescriptions to deal with pain.  Mom has started her radiation now though and the difference in her is remarkable!  She is not even recognizable as the same person who had to be hospitalized a month or so ago.  And already her hair is beginning to grow back.  Yay!!

As for me, I have had rough times.  Just last week even I was feeling terrible.  It seems like as soon as Mom was feeling better, my whole system just crashed under the weight of all the stress and worry I had been carrying around for months.  I was not feeling good at all.  (And I do mean good, not well for the purposes of this blog.  I feel "well" most of the time, but not good.  I don't have a cold or flu, but my body does not feel "good").

Last week I got my hormone shot and think it took about a week to work but I have felt my body calm down already.  I'd take that shot every week if I could but the side effects would be horrendous.  (I don't even think that often is legal).  My doctor added one of the medications I used to take and I was extremely reluctant to take it, even with the increase in pain I was having because I remembered it making me drowsy and cognitively slower.  I have compromised though and I am taking it at night and that has been helpful too.  I don't have to add any more narcotics and so far I am not all that drowsy while I'm awake.  So, once again, a good call by Dr. K!  

I know that this is a bit rambling... trying to think about all the different things that I was feeling and updating what's going on now.  I'll try to add details in future posts if I remember.  As for me now, all I want is time.  Time to focus just on me.  Time for me to put my body on a schedule and stick to it.  Time to go to the gym on a more regular basis and increase my muscle strength.  This might sound selfish... because it definitely is.  But I have been worrying about my mom and just "getting by" for a while so I have been stuck, physically.  I want to de-stress, see if my body needs maintenance (chiropractic, massage, etc) and attend to me.  I am better than a week ago.  I am not great.  But I am hopeful.  I know that I probably won't be emotionally 100% until Mom finishes with her radiation and gets the thumbs up from her doctors because there is a small amount of uncertainty lingering around until that moment.  I will have good days, okay days, and bad days as I go forward, but I hope that focusing on my body and what my body needs will allow me to make progress and get out of the survival mindset that I have been in.  Regardless, I will just do what I can do and push myself gently and cross my fingers!