Showers

Showers.  (I know, I fooled you into thinking I was talking about snow showers after the week we've had... but I'm not).  I'm talking clean, watery, soapy-goodness showers.  I have realized that there is a direct correlation between how I'm feeling and how often I'm showering.  The better I feel, the more I shower like my old/normal self.  The worse I feel, the less I shower and as the days go by, the more I feel like a sick, dirty version of myself.  Today is Wednesday.  I haven't showered since the weekend.

Stress

So I have a list of topics I have yet to post about and I haven't been feeling well enough to write about any of them today.  It's very frustrating.  I'm feeling more pain for the past few days than I have since probably before surgery.  I haven't done anything exerting and yet there it is.  I guess I could direct you to the posts on tiredness or setbacks but I'm typing my post today because usually I would not chronicle today at all.  I was in pain so I had no desire to think about anything interesting I could write about earlier and now I am ok because I took extra pain meds but not thinking as clearly as I would like.  So normally I would just skip today, but days like these are important in understanding what my life is like still even though I would love to hide them away and deny I still have them.  Instead, I will give you a brief insight into my stream of consciousness during times like these.  

I hate to let myself admit it but today's pain makes me nervous.  It feels like pre-surgery pain...  I am hoping that I can attribute it to the overly stressful two months I've had because otherwise something might be wrong and I just do not want that at all.  I'm supposed to be gaining strength and overall health and having LESS pain, but that is not happening right now.  I was annoyed to be feeling bad while my sister was visiting because I couldn't even really sit and chat.  Small talk is the first thing to go when I feel pain.  (For my purposes, I would say that I'd been feeling "discomfort" mostly.  It's annoying and can interfere with me get my real life back, but it is way better than what I would call "pain."  For the past maybe three days I'd call it pain.) 

Setbacks

I try to stay positive and think about my goals and about what I can control but sometimes when I think about the setbacks I've had that I have had no control over, it can be overwhelming.  I feel like a big cloud of bad luck has been just hovering over me for a few years.  I never thought about luck before getting sick.  I used to think that a setback would only serve to make me a stronger person in the long run... but when you pile a bunch of them on without giving a bit of relief or showing me SOMETHING good that has come from them, it gets to just be too much.  So please don't respond with cute little quotes like "A setback is just a set-up for a comeback."  Or "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger."  Just... no. 

Since my first surgery, aside from all the daily endometriosis stuff and procedures or things associated with that... my grandmother had a stroke... my aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer... I had a kidney stone that led to a bladder infection and UTI... a family friend committed suicide... I got a random infection in my toe... my aunt passed away... and today we found out that my mother has cancer.  (And no, the irony of my previous post actually talking about cancer does not escape me).