I know that I have not posted much (or at all) lately. Sometimes when things are bad physically and emotionally, I just can't bring myself to do anything other than get through one day at a time. My mother had a bad reaction to her chemo drugs and it was scary for a while. I was the one with her primarily and trying to keep my emotions in check, keep my pain in check, and do what I could for her was everything I was able to do. So the blog was not something I was thinking about. I felt bad emotionally throughout chemo and wanting to be able to do everything I used to do so that I could help my mom through. I can say I wasn't able to do what I used to do but I did do the very most I was capable of doing. Emotionally, I think that seeing anyone you love go through that treatment is jut going to be extremely difficult. I also thought about how hard it must have been for my mom when I was in SOO much pain before surgery and there was nothing she could do to help. I get that it must have been frustrating and saddening. I feel pain now but it's a different level. I am taking fewer medications for pain, so no matter how bad I think I feel on a given day, it is not as bad as it was pre-surgery or else I would still be needing the three other prescriptions to deal with pain. Mom has started her radiation now though and the difference in her is remarkable! She is not even recognizable as the same person who had to be hospitalized a month or so ago. And already her hair is beginning to grow back. Yay!!
Okay, I made it through the night. And by night, I really mean early morning. I decided I was just going to give up today and let my body sleep as much as possible, even if it wasn't my normal sleep schedule. I had pretty bad pain last night, but I slept for almost 12 hours and when I woke up, my body felt like it had rebooted. My pain level is way down. My lower back is grumbling a little bit but still, much improved from yesterday.
I know sometimes when I've been not sleeping enough that it can truly mess with my body. Endometriosis takes a toll on a body and it's important to get enough rest to let your body take care of itself. I had been feeling like I was going to have to just have a day to sleep but I had been putting it off because I hate those days. I feel like it is wasted and can throw me off my schedule, but in terms of my body, I have to remember it's okay to do.
I have endometriosis. Endometriosis is a chronic illness. A chronic illness adds and subtracts different things to life. In order to deal with this chronic illness, I realize I have come to look at much of my life as a mathematical equation. I take a situation (a), subtract the toll it will take on my body (b), and if the answer is a positive number (c), I will attend or interact with that situation. If the answer is a negative number (d), I'm staying home. So, (a-b)>0 = c and (a-b)<0 = d. I just boiled my disease down to some math! Pay attention, all you students who are preparing for the SATs!
My last post was telling you that I've made steps in a positive direction (yay!) which is HUGE over the past few months. That post was all good news. I don't have bad news to go with it, but I'm afraid too many people are going to read and think that everything is fine now. In case I haven't said it already a thousand times, endometriosis is not curable. I am going to have it. Tomorrow, next year, at least until menopause... I'm going to have it. With that comes decisions about hormones... which I am also going to be on until menopause to keep the endometriosis at bay. And those hormones are not really supposed to be long term solutions. They come with a long list of side effects! Plus the supplements to help my body fight off the endometriosis that I guess my body wants to produce.
