So as I've said many times before, pain sucks. A lot. I've been asked what I do all day or "don't you get bored?" or other questions. I used to feel insulted by those questions... like the person asking me was saying my life was pointless or that I should be doing more during the day.
I could tell you what I'd LIKE to do during the day but for days when I'm feeling moderate/severe pain, it takes mental effort just to get through the day. Those days are not fun and I'd say sometimes I think they are pretty pointless. I would like to do SOOO many other things... I think I could make a list of about 500. When I have a bad day, my pain is bad enough that I can't even pinpoint where it's stemming from (which was one problem I had when everything started). I get through my days by NOT thinking about all the other things I could be doing. I consciously do not think about how much life sucks or "why me?" or whatever. None of those things help me.
If I'm in a lot of pain, the first thing I do when I wake up every day is take stock. I give my body about 30 minutes to wake up and I try to tell from the first twinges of pain what type of day it's going to be. If I'm feeling pain or discomfort in my back or legs, I do some stretching or yoga. Those types of discomfort surface usually the day after I've had a bad pain day. I learned early on how to pay attention to my body and see if everything is feeling okay or if I have a tight muscle, to try to relax it, or what I need to stretch, etc. Sitting is much more uncomfortable to me than standing or lying so that's not helping much. Then I decide how many pain killers to take, what type, and what I think the least amount of pain meds I can take and still feel okay. Sometimes I underestimate and that leaves me feeling crappy for a lot longer and unfortunately, once I wake up, if I don't manage the pain, I will just keep feeling worse. I start my day with a protein bar to make sure I've gotten some protein to help keep my blood sugar okay with all the different supplements.
I watch a lot of tv. I never used to keep current on tv shows other than Lost. Now I'd be surprised if you could name a show I havne't watched. If I'm having a bad day, I need to find something that really keeps my interest, or I have to multitask. For me, I've found that tv or casual computer games work well but I will play with my phone while I watch tv or listen to music while I play a computer game... That seems to keep my brain preoccupied enough. One thing doesn't cut it when I don't feel good. I occasionally can read a book with some tv on in the background, but it has to be a great day. If I feel really good, I don't want to sit around and when I feel really bad, I can't focus on reading either because I don't feel good or because when I finally feel good I'm feeling medicated and can't concentrate on reading. Often, Lily (my cat) will come lay with me, and it's amazing how that can help. It's hard to feel terrible if a cute, furry pet is all cuddled up with you. It may seem like I'm doing nothing, but I am actively taking my mind off of how I feel, which can be harder than it sound.
Even if I manage to distract myself for a while, about five hours later, I feel pain starting to come back. Often right around dinner time. Which is when I feel the worst on most days. It's when pain meds wear off, I will need to eat so I don't get really woozy from pain meds and occasionally I feel nauseous from not eating quickly enough and having the meds build up or my blood sugar drops, I don't always know exactly. I know that I often get a lot more nauseous right after I get my hormone shot and I get really sensitive to smells. Weird, I know. I try to eat enough protein and I think I do, so I don't know how much of it that is. I have to watch what I eat, if I'm eating enough, and often enough. I try to eat as healthy as possible, because I feel better when I do, plus I'm not getting enough exercise so I have to do what I can.
Then it comes to nighttime and sleep... a whole different post.
If I stop and think about it, I feel like every day is wasted. But I am simply doing the best I can with what I'm living with. I may not have accomplished a lot, but I've made it through. I have no desire to end my life and I don't feel depressed, mostly because I have just trained my mind to not think too deeply about certain things. I have moments I enjoy, family and friends I love, but this certainly isn't the life I was expecting. I was supposed to be a Division 1 coach by now, or at least setting some type of records or something in Division 2... ;) I still have aspirations... I just don't know what the future holds anymore or what I should aspire to, so I have them, they are just waiting for when I can let them out.
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