Setbacks

I try to stay positive and think about my goals and about what I can control but sometimes when I think about the setbacks I've had that I have had no control over, it can be overwhelming.  I feel like a big cloud of bad luck has been just hovering over me for a few years.  I never thought about luck before getting sick.  I used to think that a setback would only serve to make me a stronger person in the long run... but when you pile a bunch of them on without giving a bit of relief or showing me SOMETHING good that has come from them, it gets to just be too much.  So please don't respond with cute little quotes like "A setback is just a set-up for a comeback."  Or "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger."  Just... no. 

Since my first surgery, aside from all the daily endometriosis stuff and procedures or things associated with that... my grandmother had a stroke... my aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer... I had a kidney stone that led to a bladder infection and UTI... a family friend committed suicide... I got a random infection in my toe... my aunt passed away... and today we found out that my mother has cancer.  (And no, the irony of my previous post actually talking about cancer does not escape me). 

All of these things could be considered natural life events but since I had surgery, I just keep waiting to string together a few "normal," event-free months to focus on myself and see where my body is.  I haven't been able to string any months together.  When my doctor asks how my stress level is, I almost want to laugh.  I just feel absolutely overwhelmed.  Now with my mom being sick I think I feel numb.  I have learned I have to keep myself calm in order to have less pain but I wonder if in doing this I'm just teaching myself how to not feel anything.  The funny thing is, there were many years before I got sick when nothing major happened in my life and nothing majorly bad in the lives of people around me.  It feels like things keep piling on.  Or more precisely, I keep thinking of myself as an empty glass when I'm calm and stress-free and people keep pouring liquid into my glass and now with my mom being sick, I finally feel like my glass is overflowing and can't hold any more liquid.  There has been no comeback and no glimpse of some magical plan that everything is supposedly going according to.

I just keep going with whatever happens, not dwelling on it or feeling sorry for myself because I don't find it helpful but WOW... I would take some good luck... a pain-free week or month, winning the lottery, getting an all expenses-paid vacation for everyone I know, meeting a leprechaun, a magical spell... anything!  I am tired and I feel selfish because every time anything happens in life I now have two thoughts: my normal reaction to whatever it is and "how will this effect me?"  I don't like it, but it is how I've adapted.  With stress and tiredness comes pain, and I've had so much pain and at such intense levels, I am afraid of it now.  I can feel it coming and I get scared that it will get to the point beyond where I can control it.  

(Speaking of pain I never thought much about kidney stones, not having known anyone who ever had one but when people tell you it is the worst pain imaginable, I'm totally in agreement now!  I know it was complicated for me because it was moving through scar tissue and/or passing through organs as they were trying to heal from surgery but, Wow.  I had thought I had maxed out on the amount of pain I could feel until I experienced that small little kidney stone.  It seems a bit unfair that they are so small... it feels like it should be a boulder or perhaps a knife that is working its way through your body.)
Edit: My friend's husband, J, has had multiple kidney stones and is at risk for more.   My empathy for him is just off the charts!

And so today, I am feeling overwhelmed.  And numb.  And I'm afraid to hope for an event-free month because I can't really imagine how much worse events may get.  So here's me crossing my fingers for everyone in the world I care about and hoping we can all take a few deep breaths, start feeling some good luck, maybe see a rainbow and stumble onto a pot of gold along the way.