A Family Affair

I suppose I could title this Overwhelmed (pt 2).  It has been hard for me to find words this week to share.  Mom is beginning to recover a bit from her last chemo treatment (in my opinion and with fingers crossed).  It is stressful for me.  I think I've been over the reasons enough.  Add on top of that miscommunications and craziness with relatives and the picture ends up looking a little crazy or mean or whatever.  But I'm choosing to look in a different direction.

I feel like I have observed all possible types of communications within a family this week, although I know that is not true.  I have felt even more overwhelmed by what I can only describe as negativity or negative energy.  I also realized that I feel so much less affected by negative energy now.  I simply know I have friends and family who understand and support me or at least are giving it their best shot.  That makes a big difference.  I don't like negativity around my mom while she's dealing with chemo, but I realize I have to take care of myself and make sure I maintain my own schedule and habits that keep me feeling "okay."  

I have experienced/observed negativity from a relative recently.  What happened though, is that it opened my eyes to how much more connected and open I feel towards almost all of my big extended, two-sided family.  I hadn't always felt that so I am giving a big Thank You to my family for their support.  I have a cousin who somehow found the most perfect birthday card ever made last year... Another who sent me a ring of healing that I keep on my finger...  I had a really great talk with an uncle who was asking me questions and earnestly wanting to know the answers and that felt wonderful...  I had a wonderful talk with even ANOTHER cousin who has tried her best to be as supportive of me as she can.  Small moments, honest conversation, and even little gifts of food and recipes.  Those are awesome things that I am grateful for.  I have exchanged fun and supportive texts with another aunt who never forgets to include Lily when she asks about me...  I aired out enough questions with even ANOTHER aunt (Yes, there are many, and many great cousins too) that I got to feel very comfortable with her again, and she constantly reads this blog and brings small gifts that are incredibly heartfelt, which is so touching...  I got a text from my dad praising this blog, which means a lot.  I have even more family and my mom, dad, sister, friends, cousins and others have become more and more supportive over the past years.  Many of whom I haven't mentioned and that doesn't mean they don't deserve it.  They do!  I hope they all know how important they are to me.  I no longer feel like I have to put my guard up before talking with people because they may be judging me.  I feel comfortable enough to disagree with people I love and let them have their own opinions and talk openly... whether about my disease or whatever else.  I'm not insecure that I am not doing enough.  I know what I'm doing and what I've been through.  But all of that really hit me when I felt almost total support from both sides of my family.

I will end with something that was extremely touching and just happened today.  (My uncle sent over a great big salad, which I consumed in its entirety and it was yummy, but that is not what I am referring to).  My aunt visited today and commented that she had thought about how hard it must be to have chronic pain because even if I feel "fine" or "good" one day, you never know what the next day will bring, or what you can do while feeling good that will not bring more pain for the next day.  It was a pretty simple statement but a profound summary.  I think that only comes when she has thought about how this disease would effect her, and how that translates to my life.  That is SUCH a gift to me.  It means the world that she came to that realization about how hard it is to just relax.  That is, I think, a beginning to truly understanding a chronic disease or an invisible illness.  And can also be the beginning of a more fulfilling relationship just because someone understands that much.  I didn't tell her the information.  She came up with it on her own.  She said she thought about it and had some thoughts to share.  When it comes to support for me and what I'm looking for... that is pretty much perfection. 

So to all my family (and the friends who I simply consider family), we go through all different phases and feelings and life changes, but I love you and I appreciate you for your support of me and for trying so hard to understand a very confusing illness.