Friends

One consequence of everything happening so quickly and the nature of the disease, is that I ended up cutting off a lot of my "social" friends.  The thought of rehashing everything I was going through to everyone I talked to got to be intimidating and at the beginning I didn't know what was going on.  I was just put on a ton of medications that made me feel like I was existing underwater or something.  Also, I had a lot of friends in the volleyball community and talking to them just reminded me of all I had lost so suddenly.

I want to dedicate this post to three friends... HM, MH, CD.  They get me through just by allowing me to talk or to need space and not judge.  All I feel from them is caring and that is so important.  I wish they lived next door, but knowing I could talk to them about what I was going through, or even talk to them about what I wasn't going through when I needed a break.  They never questioned whether I was a drug addict (as one doctor implied), they never thought it was in my head, they never insinuated I was being lazy and if I would just do more, I would feel better. 

•  Just to set the record straight, no part of me enjoys having to lay around all day.  It is not fun.  I loved coaching.  I like being around people.  I love exercising and being around my players and I even like long car drives with good music.  So to anyone who may think I haven't worked hard enough... Screw you.

Don't get me wrong... my family has often been amazing and I will have to have a whole separate post for all the support my mom has given me, but it is special to have friends like these.  All they asked was if there was anything they could do, told me they wished they could do more, and kept encouraging me.  No judgment, some worry, some sadness and a lot of caring.  They deserve a thank you because just knowing they are out there helps me get through.  Knowing there are people who understand that I tend to get sarcastic in the face of utter nonsense and idiotic people, find irony is repeated setbacks, and sometimes just have to laugh that laugh at the ridiculousness that this is my life.  They can laugh with me and still know I don't find it funny.  They don't ask me the same questions over and over or treat me like somehow a side effect of me being sick is a lower IQ.  (I have noticed recently that people tend to talk to me like I either didn't have an entire life/career before all this happened or like somehow my brain stopped working right along with my uterus.  Or sense I don't have a job somehow I became less of a person.  Very frustrating and very false.)

I know I give what I can to the people I care about but it is not as much as I would like to give.  I don't feel like I have been a great friend the past few years, although I also don't feel like there was a whole lot more I could have done, which is unfortunate.  I would imagine they feel the same way I do.  So thank you to my friends, who let me feel comfortable and understood and cared about.  I haven't expressed it enough, but I love them and their importance cannot be overstated.