Invisible Emotions

In the past 72 hours, I feel like I have fought a war, won a battle and maybe seen a glimpse of some rays of light.  I have felt: empowered, betrayed, craziness, misunderstood, frustrated, hurt, reassured, saddened, angry, attacked, truthful, determined, supported, relief, drained, loved, tired, annoyed, amazed, understood, reinforced, and loved.  

That's a lot of emotions for any person to go through in a short period of time.  The fact that most of my emotions stemmed from family interactions made it all the more intense for me.  In life, family can probably cause more stress than a lot of things.  With endometriosis, these stresses can become stressors that can cause setbacks if they are allowed in.  I have spent, what seems to me, so much energy trying to simply explain to people what is real for me and how I feel and what is going on inside my body.  It all seems so easy for me because I know exactly how I feel all the time.  I would imagine a lot of people with an invisible illness know how I'm feeling.

Emotions are a natural part of life that I believe I often overlook when explaining things or writing about my experience.  There are many reasons for this, but the biggest one is simple.  Feeling emotions deeply has led to pain since I began experiencing endometriosis symptoms.  Muscles contract, they can become stressful, and deeply negative emotions can be extremely detrimental.  Most people don't know that crying causes me physical pain.  Even if it is cathartic or needed, I know within the hour that I will feel physical pain.  (Muscle relaxers can help a bit).  I don't take anti-anxiety meds or anything because I am not trying to dull the emotions, I'm just trying to distance myself from them.  Part of me is reminded of "locked-in syndrome" where a person is aware but often unable to communicate.  I am nowhere near that level of despair, but what I use to cope with pain (schedule, routine, rational thought, planning ahead, trying to stay in control and being a bit more direct about things than I used to be... which my friends will say is hard to imagine), may very well be interpreted through apathy.  Also, if I feel as though a person is being rude, non-supportive, or not trying to understand what I am going through, I find it much healthier for me to simply not interact with whoever it is.  I simply have a limited amount of energy (or spoons) and I choose not to use them to deal with negativity.  

I tried to start this blog to help people understand what I'm going through.  I'm rational by nature but I have come to realize that what I use as a coping mechanism has made it hard for most people to see what emotions I'm actually feeling.  When I'm not feeling well, I will watch tv and people see me lying around rather than understanding I'm actually allowing my mind to drift away from the pain and trying to put a barrier up between me and any emotions that might shift my body too far away from its center.  Much of my day is spent trying to stay "centered," which I would define as doing as much as I can without doing too much so that the pain that inevitably flares up later is controllable.  I make choices that I wouldn't have even thought about making before I got sick.  Whether with going to the store, doing something social, or even with a particular person... I weigh the positive effect on my health and the negative effect on my health and I do whatever keeps me in the positive column.  I have let go of certain casual friendships and tried to hold on to others for dear life.  

Within all of this, I am using this blog to convey what my face might not and asking that people take my words as truth as I experience it.  I am trying the best I know how to express my emotions along with my experiences within a controlled environment, so I can keep myself from going past my threshold and keep myself from ending up in pain.  EVERYTHING I am saying in this blog is experienced by me, as a person with endometriosis.  Whether or not I mention the word in a particular post, endometriosis colors every action I take and every word I write.  A family friend passed away a year and a half ago and I still don't feel like I've grieved that death because I wasn't physically able at that point.  That doesn't mean I don't take that experience with me or that it doesn't have an impact on me emotionally.  My mother is being amazing brave and wonderful throughout her cancer, but that doesn't mean it hasn't taken a toll on me emotionally.  Someone negatively commented that I "spend a lot of time writing this blog all about myself."  I began this blog for my family and friends, not thinking it would be helpful to me at all.  Somewhere it changed into a place that is helpful and healing for me so I schedule it into my day, I make it all about me, and I feel really good about it.  

Please remember, that a chronic illness can impact all parts of life.  It may be invisible, the emotions it causes may even be invisible, but that does not make them any less real.  I have felt so supported by my chosen "family" of friends.  They truly could not have responded in any better way when I asked for advice and support.  Most of my family did the same and I feel a bit battered at the end of the weekend but ultimately more understood and supported.  My weekend ended with my phone not ringing (because this building's cell reception is non-existent) but yet still alerting me of a voicemail (which I will return, but it is just too late for me) from my uncle that felt like a long-distance hug.  I can't think of a better way to end a weekend.