People have asked me recently how I'm holding up (my mom recently had cancer surgery if you didn't know) and I keep coming back to one word: OVERWHELMED. I am overwhelmed by everything. I feel like if I were a cup, full with all the crap going on dealing with endometriosis and the death of a family member and other various crappy things, I would be brimming over. I literally feel so miserable at times that I don't want to be around people because I might infect them. (Didn't Meredith say something similar on Grey's Anatomy? Hmm...)
In a little while I'm going to the doctor for my appointment. Normally I don't feel much of anything about this since I'm pretty used to it and all but today for some reason I am feeling overly anxious. Maybe it's not the doctor at all and just me, I don't know.
I just need some happy things in life so I can balance all the crappy things. The happy things though are scarce. Plus, my mom's doctor has been pretty sure she didn't have cancer (wrong), pretty sure it was Stage 1 (wrong), pretty sure it hadn't spread to the lymph nodes (wrong), so I guess maybe I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and see what he'll be wrong about next... (HOPEFULLY NOTHING!!!)
I feel like a few months ago I was so close to feeling better and now I haven't been able to relax and be stress-free and just worry about ME for what seems like a really long time but I know realistically in the scheme of life, not that long.
I don't have any answers... I am doing my best to keep focused on the moment and not feeling overwhelmed but I do feel like I was keeping it together as well as I know how and it's gotten to be a bit much recently. I'm not sure what to do about it other than wait it out as it must inevitably get better... right?
My mom asked me what would help or what has helped, and the only thing I could think of was my aunt sending me a lovely care package and my dad sending me surprise coffee... so... gifts. But that seems amazingly superficial and materialistic. Then again, sometimes if a little thing can brighten my day, who am I to question what form it comes in for now I guess. I could go for winning the lottery but that seems unlikely. I sometimes just feel like a very unlucky person and I don't even believe in luck.
I would like to give a shout out to my cousin, SK, who has been awesome about reading my posts and commenting and helping me feel connected and supported! Love you!
PS. MARCH IS ENDOMETRIOSIS AWARENESS MONTH!! YAY!! I keep wanting to post about that and get some awareness going but I feel like I should be a little happier about it first, lol. But if you are bored, look it up, see the things going on and spread the awareness!!!
“Promise Yourself
ReplyDeleteTo be so strong that nothing
can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity
to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel
that there is something in them
To look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true.
To think only the best, to work only for the best,
and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others
as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past
and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times
and give every living creature you meet a smile.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself
that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
not in loud words but great deeds.
To live in faith that the whole world is on your side
so long as you are true to the best that is in you.”
― Christian D. Larson, Your Forces and How to Use Them
Sending you SO MUCH LOVE today and everyday.
ReplyDeleteThank you both for your wonderful comments! Your support is awesome! :)
ReplyDeleteTiff: The poem was perfect and MLD, sometimes you just know what to say.